Daily Archives: May 1, 2009

It’s a baby!

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Congratulations and best wishes to my friends

 

Kristy and Ben

 

on the birth of their daughter!

Categories: Friends, Joy | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Friday Funnies

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

It took years my friends and family, I know many of you have been worried about me, but there is now finally a diagnosis, what a relief!!

It’s called: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (AAADD)

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with this condition. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure.

This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn’t. I call it the "BUT FIRST Syndrome."

You know, it’s like when I decide to do the laundry. I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I’m going to do the laundry…..

BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack….

BUT FIRST I’ll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where’s the checkbook? Oops…there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook.

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look at the plants by the sink window and notice my poor plants, Bill and Sam need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here?

I’ll just put it away……

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head to the garage to get my watering can and…

Aaaagh! Stepped one of Jack’s hot wheels. Need to put it in the toy box . Okay, BUT FIRST, I’ll put that remote away and water the plants….

BUT FIRST I need to get that overflowing garbage out to the bin.

END of Day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, hot wheels are still on the floor, checkbook is still lost and I misplaced the remote control again….

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I’m baffled because…….

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious…….

I’d get help……..

BUT FIRST……

I think…..

I’ll check my e-mail

Don’t Mess with Old People

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

MORAL? :: Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Categories: Funny, Laughing Out Loud | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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