Posts Tagged With: Funnies

Funnies

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can’t remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43…"

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

*****

Hahaha!  It’s funny what a little “negative feedback” can do for a person!  Just ask most kids of my generation!  Have a great, and very positive! weekend!

Also, happy 1st day of Summer!

JunSigSmall

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Funnies

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men’s last name never changes.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.

*****

Ha!  Sounds like men are pretty lucky, to me, but I am pretty happy that I’m a girl.  😀

Have a great weekend, whether you’re a man or a woman! 

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Funnies

One Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That’s fine," said the girl. "I’ll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

*****

Hahahaha!  I wondered how this one was going to end!  😀

Have a great weekend! 

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Funnies

A Miraculous Hole in One

A church Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to preside over the services for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then the Pastor hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 300 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, Who is he going to tell?

*****

Naughty Pastor!  And on Good Friday too!  For shame!  LOL  That ought to teach him a lesson!  😉

Have a thoughtful Good Friday, and a great weekend and Easter.  🙂

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Funnies

In Arizona, awaiting their flight

A couple are at the airport in Arizona awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they’re from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Noticing the way you’re dressed, I wonder where you’re from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don’t know. They don’t speak English."

*****

Hahahaha!  Okay, that was cute.  🙂

Hope you have an awesome, and non-snowy weekend!  It’s Spring now, yay!

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Funnies

Talk About a Bad Day

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, aren’t yah gonna try and punch me out?" he asked

"Nah, but this is the worst day of my life," I say. "I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve …and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing! But heck, enough about me, how are you doing?"

*****

This is why you should never drink green beer!  LOL  Have a great St Patrick’s Day Sunday!

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Funnies

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower threw admiring glances across the table; the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally, he found the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, ….. Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

*****

Hahahahaha!  Okay, I confess, I didn’t see that one coming!  🙂

Have a great weekend, and try to remember it!  😉

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