Funnies

Just for Pun

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

*****

Have a happy weekend!  No pun intended!  😉

OH MY!

It’s here!  It’s here!  It’s Christmas!  Merry Christmas everybody! 

 

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Funnies

 

The Lecture!

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

*****

Have a great weekend!

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Funnies

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘Hunting flies,’ he responded.

‘Oh.  Killing any?’ she asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, ‘How can you tell them apart?’

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.’

*****

Oooh!  A smart-alec, lol. 

 

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Funnies

Community Service Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Congress was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

*****

Congress!  Pah! 

Have a great weekend anyway!

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Mr Gorsky | OyiaBrown

I re-blogged this from a post in my WP Reader.  Cracked me up and I thought today would be the perfect day to share it. 

Mr Gorsky

Posted on 16/07/2012 by OyiaBrown

On July 20 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon were, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” and they were televised to earth.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought that it was a casual remark, concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the ‘good luck, Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant. But Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt that he could now answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard, by their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky

“Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon”!

True story……it broke the place up!

Mr Gorsky | OyiaBrown

Funnies

 

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

*****

My kids did this to me the other day!  LOL  Stinkers!  Have a great Friday the 13th, and a great weekend!