Some time ago, my Beloved did a post that he was inspired from by another blogger we follow, Mapelba. 
Her post asked the question, Where are you and your crazy stories from anyway? My husband responded with, “Where Do You Come From?” I figured I’d do my own version of the question but before I could get to it, my computer died and I kind of forgot about it. I’d saved the LOLCat though, and that sort of reminded me when I saw it again.
I laughed the first time I saw it, then I realized how close it hit to home. For various reasons, I play personal things close to the vest and don’t reveal much here on the blog. There’s no need, really. And it protects the innocent from the guilty. That being said, I can say I’ve left behind people who had a different definition of family than I did. Where mine came from, I have no idea. I believe in loyalty and my relatives didn’t. I believe in being there when someone needs you, and my relatives didn’t. It was one thing to talk the talk, but when it came to walking the walk, they were cripples trying to make me an amputee. So I kept on going.
I’ve left behind betrayal, and backstabbing. Lying and deceit. I’ve left behind strife and arguing, delusion and denial. I’ve left it all behind because that baggage was just too heavy to carry anymore. I have other things I wish to carry, things who’s burden is light.
I carry my love and loyalty for my husband and our children. I carry my hopes for our future. I carry my dreams, and my laughter. Those things were not allowed before and I found that to be unacceptable. I shouldn’t have to answer to or explain myself to people who don’t love me, don’t even like me, yet presume to declare that they know better than me what’s best for me. I saw a biography show once about Cher, and she said something that really stuck with me. She said, “I answer to 2 people; myself and God.” That’s where I’m headed now.
I have a husband I adore who cherishes me, I have children I treasure who love me. I no longer deal with in-fighting, family feuds – none of that crap. And it’s heavenly! I have all I need and all I want, and I don’t have the things I don’t want. What more could I ask for?
So if and when I tell you I like you, or love you, or care about you in some way – take me seriously, because I know what it’s like to be lied to about those kinds of things, and I wouldn’t do it to anyone else. I tend to mean what I say, because to do otherwise is to not be true to myself, and my markings, unlike kitteh’s there, are true.
The "Ness" in DarcNess ;) 
What a great post, Fal. I’ve never doubted your honesty once in our entire friendship. Everything you say comes from your heart, and that’s what I treasure most about you. I don’t know whether to be mad at your family for treating you that way, or being grateful they showed you who you are through their negitive example. Can I be mad and grateful?
I love you, too. *hugs*
Thanks lovey. 🙂 You’re going to make me cry, you know. *hugs* Love ya back!
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This rests among the most beautiful things you’ve written. This, my love, is the poetry of your heart. And it doesn’t have to rhyme.
Thank you Love. That means a lot to me, coming from you. 🙂 :kiss:
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Oh my gosh I am so like you. I have a lot of family that I have “cut out” of my life like I was cutting out cancer. I am a better and stronger person for it!
Yes, like a cancer, exactly! It’s never easy, always painful, but to be healthy it has to be done. I’m glad you understand. 🙂
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I don’t really know you, but I don’t doubt you.
Thank you. 🙂
My family…well, what was good is gone. What is left was never a part of my life. As far as I know, much of my family is nice, but they are not a part of my life. They wish me well, I suppose, but have no interest in me. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this where we come from business, wondering how much we think is true, actually is… I’m so all about doubting myself! ha.
Well, it’s easy enough for me to say from over here that you don’t need to doubt yourself. Actually learning how to trust your gut when you’re not used to doing that is something else entirely. For me it’s been kind of the opposite I think – I “reasoned” myself out of listening to my instincts … and paid terrible prices for it.
Terrible really.
People tell me they like me and I think they’re telling the truth, but that they don’t really know what they’re talking about. They’re wrong and any minute they will realize it. I said that to a perfectly decent guy once–you only think you like me.
Are you a “hider”? Always hiding your thoughts and feelings? Always try to do and say the “right” thing? I’d be willing to bet that more of you comes through than you realize, and people really do like you. 🙂
I feel like rambling so I’m going to stop here. Glad you got away from a family that couldn’t embrace you.
Ramble away! It’s all good! 🙂
And thank you – I am too.
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I’m a hider as Fal describes, less and less every day, though. Maybe I’m not that bad about it anymore. And that thing you said about people not knowing they don’t like you, I feel that way, too. Historically I’ve waited for others to make the first/next move so as not to impose myself on them. They think I don’t care, and we drift apart. If I’m aloof, that’s why. I don’t know how much I should impose myself.
Dang, I have a lot to work out. Maybe I’ll use this as a basis for tomorrow’s post.
Oh, that trying-to-respect-other’s-space thing being mistaken for aloofness or uncaring – I hate that. There are so many invisible boundaries!
Have you heard about that study that was done about kids in a preschool, and fences? They (the teachers or whoever) removed the fences because they wanted the kids to feel free to explore their world. Problem was, the kids stayed huddled in the middle of the playground and wouldn’t leave the safety of the circle. Once the fences were put back, the kids felt safer, and free enough to explore the whole yard up to the fence itself and no longer stayed glued to the one spot in the middle.
People need to know where the boundaries are. It’s just our nature. If we don’t, we’ll stay in our safe zone. I don’t like it when other people don’t really clue me in as to where their boundaries are but expect me to somehow read their minds and just know somehow.
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Maybe people like that have such a strong sense of where boundaries are (right or wrong) that they can’t conceive of someone else having different ones. You know, oblivious people. 🙂
LOL Or maybe they can’t conceive that other people might try to respect boundaries? I’ve known people who don’t seem to get the boundary thing at all.
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I’m wishing you, Sherri, and I could sit down together and have a chat. I guess I’m a hider, but then someone comes along and says something that proves that I haven’t hidden near as well as I thought. And then I don’t know what to do.
But… I also expose things on my blog… Really, at 40 I thought I’d understand myself better. Lately I’ve only felt more confused.
Oh that would be so fun, sitting down and chatting together!
I know what you mean – that “deer in the headlights” feeling. I think what we secretly want is for someone to figure us out, and be okay with us as we are.
I don’t know if I understand myself so much, but I do know what I believe and why. Perhaps that contributes to understanding in some way? I do know that most other people misunderstand me – not people here so much as people I’ve known in real life. Or they’ve made assumptions about me that just weren’t true. Those things I’ve never figured out and have quit trying.
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It’s crazy, isn’t it? I’m definitely going to blog about this tomorrow. Thanks for the prompt, Fal!
I’m glad I could help in some way! 🙂
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He was right, pure poetry. What a wonderful post! This line is one I’m adding to the quotes I save. It’s so poignant. “they were cripples trying to make me an amputee” Oh sweetie, what an amazing saying. I have a poem that has your name written all over it. I’ll post it tomorrow. It’s called the cat lady. Bless you Dear Heart, bless you.
What a sweet thing to say, thank you. 🙂
I can’t wait to read your poem! Cat lady – I love it! Did all the lolcats give my preference away? 😉
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