Funnies

 

Church Humor

LIFE AFTER DEATH
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on.  “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

PALM SUNDAY
It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, 5 year old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.  When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.  The boy asked what they were for. 

“People held them up over Jesus’ head as He walked by.”

“Wouldn’t you know it!” the boy fumed.  “The one Sunday I don’t go, He shows up!”

SUPPORT A FAMILY
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no.  I was just planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

*****

It’s Friday!  The last one of July, before the “dog days of Summer” hit us.  Go forth with a smile and have a great weekend!

Friday Funnies

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.  It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.  The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.  Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?’

*****

The Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.  "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

*****

Have a wonderful weekend!  🙂

 

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Friday Funnies

How to Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  Several members wanted to confront her but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD CERTAINLY KNOW WHAT HE WAS UP TO!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home … and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

*****

*****

Who said Christians don’t have a sense of humor?  😉

Smile, laugh, weekend’s here, have a great one!

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Friday Funnies

Couple of interesting pictures for you this week.  🙂

 

This one fascinates me, with the folded bills.  I think they captured the match really well. 

*

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This one – I don’t know.  It was in an email I got some time ago, and for some reason, it kind of cracks me up.   I bet WIGSF did stuff like this when he was a kid.  I had both Barbie and Troll dolls when I was little, but doing something like this would never occur to me in a million years.  LOL  It does remind me of some awful movie I saw when I was a kid though.

And finally, a little joke that made me chuckle.  🙂

DUH!

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they’d still be in the stupid boat."

 

Have a funny and fun-filled weekend!

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Friday Funnies

Here’s some Internet/computer humor I got from my friend Beth.

 

No one knows anyone like this.  Seriously.

I have NO idea what this is like.  

 

 

Honest, officer, I wasn’t trying to tamper with the evidence!

A professional organizer!  She knows how it’s done!  😀

 

Have a fun and funny end of of July weekend! 

©Darcsfalcon All rights reserved

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Friday Funnies

How about some computer humor today? 

 

The problem is at your end

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp.  At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.  He fired several shots at the target.  The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target.  He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.  He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.  The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

 

 

 

 

Have a wonderful weekend!  Smile, it’s Friday!  😀

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Friday Funnies

 

Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I’m in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

"Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

~~~~~~~~~~

I SO need a dog like this!  Have an awesome weekend and don’t forget to laugh.  :)  And give your dog a nice juicy bone.  You know.  If you have a dog.  ;)